As I returned home yesterday from the grocery store, arms full of bags, I realized that the title of cook was never something I felt would define the adult I would become. I also never thought I would be able to work in peasant skirts and flip flops, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I came into my shared apartment, placed my things on the floor and thought, wow, this is not where I saw myself ten years ago. This is not where I saw myself three years ago. The funny thing is, I'm happy.
I was a child of great independence and never really felt hindered by my gender or race. I say really because people tried to tell me all the time how my gender or race was keeping me from doing something, but I always did what I wanted. I went to the schools I wanted, I learned the skills and fleshed out the talents I wanted, because I wanted to. My mother had her hand in the pot occasionally, but what mother doesn't? All-in-all, no one ever told me who or what to be, never told me that I couldn't do something, and when they did, I did it anyway. I don't blame people for my mistakes and I rarely ask for forgiveness. I hate to ask others for help, but I'm not too pompous to do so. Point is, I thought I would be in a different place now.
I thought I would be that businesswoman with the pin-stripe suit/skirt set and that I would have an office in a building that had more floors than years I have seen. This vision has always been apart of my future, even if I didn't have a good reason for it, except that when you hear of women like that, they all started out like me. Yet, I took a different road- the one more traveled.
I got married and moved as far from my family as I could. When I was young, that was all I wanted- not the marriage part but the moving part. But the older I got, the more comfortable I became with living and breathing twenty minutes from my birthplace. Now that I can't drive by that hospital or my parent's house everyday, I miss it. But I'm starting to get off topic.
The point is, I am not the woman I envisioned I would be. I became the nightly cook, a role I hated to see my mother in because she worked just as hard as anyone else in the house outside of the house. I'm been wanting a baby since I said "I do", but was the kind of person just three years ago that would have worked until the day she died without a man or a child. For a while I was a house-wife, and during that time, I felt nothing but shame. But I leaned latter that my perception was the wrong way to go about it. What's the big deal? Many women all over America would kill to have the life I do- work part-time, husband can afford to pay all the bills and I can afford to shop, do anything I want because I am held to no one's standards but my own. But I did not know how to handle it.
I am a stanch Feminist, and I worked really hard for that to be the first thing people see me as. And living so far away from anything I had ever known before 2009 has opened my mind to a new world of possibilities.
I am not oppressed- neither by my gender or race. I am not wanting of a different situation, I love my husband and our plans to have a family. I am not a failure at being a feminist, especially because I have come to these conclusions. Sometimes, the choices we make for ourselves just aren't choices for others; but that doesn't mean that for us they are bad or oppressive choices. I didn't become that head executive with a corporate bank account like I thought I would- I became a part-time elementary school librarian, a full-time wife and looking to become a full-time mother. And I'm happy.
My path didn't take me in the direction I was expecting, and it doesn't for most. Many of us have regrets of things that we wish we could have done differently. You shouldn't. Regrets are of no use to you. They have been no use to me. I guess this post was just a reassurance to you that you are probably on the right path- you can't be on any other. And if you are on the wrong path, you took a wrong turn somewhere, back up, and try again. Life holds all these possibilities, we can't get hung up on not being the person our 15-year-old self wrote wrote about in their diary. I use to be and all it did was make me upset.
Even though we may think we have no power, I believe we all have the power to be influential. We can change the world, no matter if it's by an expense account or a good deed for someone you don't know. I wanted to be that influence and thought I could only have it with power, I was wrong. Find your passion. Find your love. Become an activist. Do something for free, because only so many people can make six-figure incomes. :-)
